When I was little, probably around Elli's age or a little younger, I wanted 14 kids. Seven boys and seven girls. As I got a little older, I still wanted a large family, but then decided I wanted seven kids, and this stuck with me for a long time.
My motivation for wanting a big family came from the wonderful family that are my Grandmother's neighbors. I feel very guilty, but have honestly lost count of how many kids they have. When I moved to Seattle, they had nine kids, but they have adopted quite a few since then. I rather unfortunately have not seen them much in the last few years, and it's just hard for me to remember when I have only briefly, if at all, met most of their adopted children. Anyway, I digress. I spent a lot of time playing with the kids from this family growing up, in particularly the girl that is just a few months older than me. I loved going to their house so much, because there was always somebody to play with, even if my best buddy couldn't play. Coming from a family of two with an almost four year gap between my older sister and I, this was just wonderful. My sister and I never had much in common, and really did not play together much after I was about six. So, I knew from a young age that I wanted for my children what this family had-lots of playmates!
When I met my husband, one of the many things we talked about was how many kids we saw ourselves having. I made it clear to him I wanted a large family, and that it was important to me. Over time, he did wear me down, and we settled on the number five.
It's funny how you can have your heart set on something, then life happens and you begin to question everything. When I was pregnant with Tobiah, I talked many times with Rich about how soon we would have another child. I expressed my concern and desire to have our babes close together, as my sister and I (and also Rich and his older brother, whom is seven years older than him) had little in common and did not ever really spend time together, and I felt a big part of this was the age gap. It broke my heart many times over that Elli would be further in age by a couple of months from her first sibling that my sister and I are (and trust me, this has caused Elli heartache, however my kids are amazing, and Tobiah is Elli's best buddy), and I wanted to ensure that they would be the only kids to have that age gap. So, we agreed we would start trying when Tobiah was around four months old. When he was eight months, we got pregnant with sweet Naomi.
My pregnancy with Naomi was very hard. I had around 50 migraines, horrible morning sickness, horrible sciatica, and to top things off, several large stressers happen right at the end of my pregnancy. Then when she came, all of the medical problems started. Then the eczema started. She spent her first summer constantly ripping her face off (literally), and she was so small from refusing to eat. It was, by far, the hardest thing I've had to go through as a parent. The constant worry about what was wrong, if she'd ever grow... I honestly found myself questioning having more kids, and knew at the very least I wanted to wait a few years.
Then the unthinkable happened, and when Naomi was just four months old I found out I was pregnant, despite efforts to prevent it. I regret to say I had a horrible attitude about the whole thing, and was rather mad at God. I did not feel capable of handling another baby at that point in my life, and felt so overwhelmed. Then we saw the ultrasound at 20 weeks, and that all changed. I couldn't wait to meet my newest daughter. However, despite finally being happy about our unexpected joy, as I have called her since then, I decided at that point that I was done, and I did not want more children. I very nearly made sure that would never happen again, but decided at the last minute that the medical risks because of my young age were a little too scary for me, and didn't do it. Let's just say, I am happy I chose not to!
Ruth has been my God child. God gave her to me when I didn't think I wanted her, because He is perfect and knew she is exactly what I needed. She has changed my view on so many things, and has shown me and reminded me that we serve a merciful God, a loving God, and a God who cares for our deepest desires. Over and over again, He has given me everything I ever wanted in a parent-child experience with Ruth. I came very close to having a third induction with her, despite desperately wanting to experience the "it's time" moment when you know the baby is coming and you go to the hospital (with Elli, I went to my regular OB appointment, and they wheeled me to labor and delivery, then two inductions, so silly as it may seem, I really wanted that experience since I had never had it). We had just spoken to the midwife a couple of hours prior, and she had said she'd induce two days later assuming everything looked good the following day at my appointment, then we had the "it's time" moment, and she was born the following morning, a day before I would have been induced. Another example, I desperately wanted to nurse all of my babies exclusively to a year, and never had. Elli was supplemented from the beginning, T was weaned at four months after being hospitalized, and Nae... like I said, medical problems. It never really worked with her. Well, Miss Ruth weaned about a month ago, after 13 wonderful months of breastfeeding. There are many other examples, as well.
Like I said, Ruth has been my God child. God has given me my deepest Mommy desires with her, and it's been wonderful. I've also cried many, many happy tears watching her gorge herself after all the trials with Naomi. I will never again take for granted a baby that eats!
Anyway, when Ruth was about 11 months old, I found myself longing for one more baby. How wonderfully easy she has been has made me feel much more capable of handling number five, despite the fact that not all of my children are that easy. *coughNaomicough*
So, lately I have been truly contemplating how perfect my life is. Perfect, and with my number five on the way, complete.
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